fourohfourrealitynotfound: Open blank journal with a pencil balanced on top (Default)
2024-01-04 05:41 pm

[sticky entry] Sticky: Welcome to the new blog, I guess

Hi everyone! I'm Ruby (he/they), and I'm very new to Dreamwidth/LJ-format, so please bare with me while I figure it out.

This space is mostly going to be dedicated to my physical creative pursuits. I crochet, bind books/fanfic, tat (lacemaking not tattoos), and more. I mostly just want to document my projects here and talk about them a little bit. I also post about them a little over on my crafting side-Tumblr [tumblr.com profile] hook-line-and-crocheter

That being said, I am open to possible including a few more topics on this blog

I write, mostly fanfic but I have some original ideas floating around too. You can read my fics on [archiveofourown.org profile] fourohfourerror, and I post about them a little on my writing side-Tumblr [tumblr.com profile] fourohfourrealitynotfound. My current fandoms I write for are Voltron and Lockwood & Co., but I'm re-watching Supernatural with the intent of getting into those fics soon. I currently don't plan on posting original writing that much beyond the snippets I occasionally do for flashfictionfriday on Tumblr

I'm aroace and also enjoy discussing aspec topics (asexual and aromantic identities, community history, and the breakdown of social relationship hierarchies).

And yeah, I think that's it. Feel free to reach out to me, give me Dreamwidth advice, recommend communities (or music or books or shows of whatever).

fourohfourrealitynotfound: Open blank journal with a pencil balanced on top (Default)
2025-06-08 12:21 am

2025 Goals - May Check-In

Cursing my health for how it limits me, because the last month felt like a wash. I spent almost a whole month recovering from a cold that threw off my whole schedule, so a lot less got done. But I'm back to normal now, and I've got a promise of treatment for one of my health issues on the horizon, so things are looking up.

 

Goal Updates

I didn't make a ton of progress on my large fic, but I'm taking a break for now to take my mind off of it and rejuvenate with a oneshot. 

I'm mostly up to date with my temperature blanket, only a week or so behind.

I drafted a poem! And I think it turned out pretty good.

I found one geocache nearby, which is a start!

 


May Stats
  • 4 books read
  • I finished 3 TV shows (Kevin Can F*ck Himself was fantastic) and 18 movies (Yeah I don't know what got into me, I was on a roll)
  • For writing, I finished the second "season" of my 50 chapter fic and drafted a new fic. 
    • I spent a total of 6 hours 24 minutes drafting 5,870 words (~15 wpm)!
  • I completed one craft-- a wall art project for myself. I should probably post that sometime. I want to make a tutorial on how to do those
    • I spent 8h 23m on my 2025 crochet temperature blanket
    • I spent 1h 11 min on tatting
  • I made 4 baked goods, a fantastic buttermilk chocolate cake recipe I found

fourohfourrealitynotfound: Open blank journal with a pencil balanced on top (Default)
2025-05-03 03:04 pm

2025 Goals - April Check-In

Things are looking up! My health still isn't great but the improvements in weather mean I felt a bit better-- up until some medical testing and stress threw me off last week. But I feel more on top of things.

Goal Updates

I'm making OK progress on the large fic. I had to re-adjust my timeline because it was causing me more stress (who knew writing a fic three times the length you anticipated in the same timeframe wouldn't work), but I think it will still get done by the end of the year.

I've done some catching up on my temperature blanket, but I'm still a month behind. Maybe I'll try to do some crochet during meetings to get more done.


April Stats
  • 4 books read
  • I finished 1 TV show (Gossip Girl! It was so good!) and 6 movies
  • For writing, I've been focusing on the 50 chapter fic still. I'm hoping to finish a couple more and then give myself a break to write a oneshot lol
    • I spent a total of 17 hours 21 minutes drafting 22,320 words (~17 wpm)!
  • I completed no crafts
    • I spent 7h 6m on my 2025 temperature blanket
    • I spent 1h 54 min on tatting
  • I made 3 baked goods, including one vanilla cake that was honestly closer to corn bread. Oops.
fourohfourrealitynotfound: Open blank journal with a pencil balanced on top (Default)
2025-04-08 11:38 pm

2025 Goals - March Check-In

I did some catch up in March. The weather easing is helping me get back on my feet again. Hopefully this momentum will continue through April.

Goal Updates
I'm making OK progress on the large fic. Everything else has been pretty slow going.

March Stats
  • 4 books read
  • I watched 2 movies - Including my first time watching Howl's Moving Castle!
  • For writing, I've been focusing on the 50 chapter fic still. Making okay progress, but still have catching up to do.
    • I spent a total of 21 hours 55 minutes drafting 22,320 words (~17 wpm)!
  • I completed no crafts
    • I spent 1h 50m on my 2025 temperature blanket
    • I spent 2h 54 min on tatting
  • I made 4 bakes goods, including FINALLY cracking the code on the perfect frosting to use with brownies

fourohfourrealitynotfound: Open blank journal with a pencil balanced on top (Default)
2025-03-15 02:10 am

2025 Goals - Februrary Check-In

I am behind on everything right now, my February check-in for my yearly goals included. It feels like the end of March is just around the corner.

Goal Updates

So so so so far behind but trying not to stress about it. It's March. There is still time.

February Stats
  • 5 books read
  • I watched 4 movies - figured out I can check DVDs out of the library and it's been fun
  • For writing, I've been focusing on the 50 chapter fic but not had much time/energ
    • I spent a total of 7 hours 13 minutes drafting 7,642 words (~17 wpm)!
  • I completed one tatted bookmark
    • I spent 5 hours 5 minutes on crochet (my temperature blanket which I am (SHOCKER) behind on)
    • I spent 1h 50 min on tatting
  • I have no clue how many baked goods I made I forgot to count oops

fourohfourrealitynotfound: Open blank journal with a pencil balanced on top (Default)
2025-02-09 02:24 pm

2025 Goals - January Check-In

January has been rough, with ice storms hitting me hard at the end of this month. Hope the weather is better for all of you.

Goal Updates

My goals are off to a good start, as I've kicked off the long fanfic I plan on drafting by summer and my temperature blanket. I'm hoping my health situation will be a little more sorted by the end of February so I can work on more.

January Stats
  • 7 books read
  • I watched 3 movies
  • For writing, I've been focusing on the 50 chapter fic
    • I spent a total of 14 hours 48 minutes drafting 14,887 words (~17 wpm)!
  • 0 crafts completed, but I've been starting a new temp blanket and some tatted bookmarks
    • I spent 4 hours 23 minutes on crochet
    • I spent 3h 23 min on tatting
  • I made 4 baked goods, including my first attempt at ermine buttercream (I cheated and used pudding mix to help, but it was delicious!)

fourohfourrealitynotfound: Open blank journal with a pencil balanced on top (Default)
2025-01-01 03:46 am
Entry tags:

2025 Goals

Here's my goals for 2025! There's less of them, and we're trying to be a little bit more relaxed, but there's still some lofty ones in here
  1. Write the 50 chapter keith/lance/hunk vld college au
  2. Crochet a new temperature blanket for my first full year in this new state
  3. Draft 4 poems
  4. Outline a specific original story I've had in the back of my mind
  5. Make at least 3 projects I'm proud of, outside of the things mentioned earlier in this list
  6. Finish / catch up on a podcast (probably welcome to nightvale, but it might be this tumblr podcast I lost track of a while ago)
  7. Get as many geochaches as I can
fourohfourrealitynotfound: Open blank journal with a pencil balanced on top (Default)
2025-01-01 03:41 am
Entry tags:

2024 Goals - It's a wrap!

2024 is officially dead and gone, so let's take a moment to celebrate everything I accomplished (and mourn everything I didn't).

2024 Goals - Results

1. Explore [City I’m living in for the next 4 months] ✅

This was a lot of fun to do! I dragged my roommate and my friends out with me a few times and I really made the most of it. It was a little sad to discover things that I don't have where I am now (Vietnamese coffee, god DAMN) but I will cherish those memories that marked the end of my senior year of college.
2. Write + post “damn, baby, you’ve got me good” (series of klance 5+1 fics I’ve been working on)

I did it! It went well! This took a lot out of me but I'm really glad I did it. If you're interested, you can read it on my AO3.
3. Tat (lacemaking tecnique) a necklace

I did! I forgot to post pictures of it and I'm try not to derail my workflow (it is RAPIDLY approaching 3am for me) but maybe I'll try to at some point. I turned out okay, a simple white lace strip with rainbow beads.
4. Do more sourdough (pancakes, bagels, pretzels)

I didn't do the pretzels, but I did the rest! The pancakes became a staple for my breakfasts, there was a mediocre attempt at pizza dough, and I made some edible bagels and (after 2 failed attempts) learned how to slice bagels without cutting my own hand!
5. Finish my temperature blanket ✅

I finished the whole blanket, and have been using it as a throw blanket for naps in my new apartment! I also made a whole separate blanket! You can see them on my dw blog
6. Bind more of “The Blonde Collection” (my project to bind my favorite works by leblonde) ❌

I failed to do this, between not having access to a printer yet after moving and my health issues getting in the way. But I hope to pick this project back up in 2025!
7. Write (at least part of) “it takes three to play catan” (working title for my giant Keith/Lance/Hunk fic) ✅

I did this.... barely! I just finished the outline a couple days ago (after working on it for over a year and a half!!) and filled a FFF prompt that fit the first chapter on a whim! You can read more about my plans for this project on my tumblr
8. Organize something ✅

Considering I moved states and had to organize my entire apartment, we're counting this done.
9. Read 75 books

I smashed this one out of the water! I completed 83 books this year!
10. Curate a more positive internet experience) ❌

Considering how 2024 has been, I think I'm allowed to fail this one and get in fights with a couple redditors, okay?

 

2024 Hobbies "Wrapped"

According to my dreamwidth updates, here's everything I accomplished towards my hobbies this year:

  • 15h 24m Tunisian crochet
  • 104h 46m crochet
  • 25h 38m tatting
  • 92h 40m writing 94,653 words (17wpm average)
  • 83 books read
  • 29 movies, 3 musicals, and 13 shows watched
  • 19 Flash Fiction Friday prompts completed
  • 14 fics posted to my AO3
  • 17 crafts completed
  • 31 baked goods made
fourohfourrealitynotfound: Open blank journal with a pencil balanced on top (Default)
2025-01-01 02:34 am

2024 Goals - December Check-in

It's 2025, and I need to wrap up my goals from 2024! Before we get to that, here's how December went!

Things were really rough for the beginning of the month, but I've gotten to rest and reset over the past week or so, giving me more energy and motivation to get things done!

December Stats
  • 6 books read
  • I watched 7 movies and 4 TV shows/series
  • I completed one [tumblr.com profile] flashfictionfridayofficial prompt (posted to [tumblr.com profile] fourohfourrealitynotfound ), one Christmas fic that I posted to AO3, one fic that I still have yet to edit, edited another fic slotted for posting in summer, and finished the year and a half long process of outlining a 50 chapter fic I intend to tackle at the beginning of 2025!
    • I spent a total of 7 hours 8 minutes drafting 6,907 words (~16 wpm)!
  • 2 crafts completed (including that scarf I was complaining about at the end of November!)
    • I spent 3 hours 6 minutes on crochet
    • I spent 1h 43 min on tatting
  • I made 4 baked goods, including the discovery that homemade gingerbread cookies are AWESOME
I'll follow up with a post in a minute going over whether I met my 2024 goals and what my year totals for stats look like, then another post about my 2025 goals.
fourohfourrealitynotfound: Open blank journal with a pencil balanced on top (Default)
2024-12-08 01:52 am

2024 Goals - November Check-In

I'll be honest my year did not get better in November. But the end is in sight and 2025 is offering me a dubious fresh start.

Goal Updates
I've officially surpassed my 75 books goal. The other goals aren't looking as great.


November Stats
  • 7 books read
  • I'm not sure if comedy specials by youtubers count for my movies/tv/musicals bullet point but I did get to see the Terrible Influence Tour live, and I watched the recordings of their 3 other specials in preparation.
  • I did not complete any writing things but I made decent progress on a fic I hope to finish and put out near the end of December.
    • I spent a total of 8 hours 24 minutes drafting 9,266 words (~18 wpm)!
  • 0 crafts completed (you see how much crochet is below this? that's the same scarf. i keep frogging it and remaking it. i need to mail it a week from now. save me.)
    • I spent 8 hours 57 minutes on crochet
    • I spent 38 min on tatting and got nowhere
  • I made 4 baked goods, including my first attempt at bagels where I didn't slice my hand! (The universe did right itself just this week, when the day before my birthday I stubbed my pinky toe on my bedframe, tripped, fell, tried to catch myself, and somehow sliced my hand open on a rug. The hand of the same arm that had allergy testing the day prior. My life is a slapstick comedy right now.)

I know I just put these out into the void with no real plan for people to see them but I'm just gonna talk into the void a little more right now. Life fricking sucks. I thought that doing this would be a nice way to show me how much I actually accomplished in a year. But to see that now-- when I'm working a 9-to-5 and should theoretically have plenty of free time-- I'm doing only as much as I was in school full time with a part time job and managing several campus political circuses kind of sucks. My health really sucks right now and I feel like it's holding me back from doing the things I really want to do. It's driving me nuts to feel like I have no access to my creative outlets AND not as much to show for the rest of my life.

 

IDK. UGH. I'm just so tired.

 

I'm trying to stay optimistic that 2025 will be a good fresh start. That I'll be able to figure out my health issues and take charge of my life and do so much more. But I'm scared that I'll set new goals for myself and completely fail because they're too high for what I can do. I feel like I'm living an icarian fate . . . even if there's some parts of that fate I wanted. Ugh,

fourohfourrealitynotfound: Open blank journal with a pencil balanced on top (Default)
2024-11-11 03:28 pm

2024 Goals - October Check-In

October was rough. But here's what I got done

Goal Updates
I'm not gonna lie it doesnt look to hot. Some of these will not get done. Just going to take each day at a time


October Stats
  • 8 books read
  • 2 movies watched
  • I did not complete any writing things because I was stuck in one singular fic the whole time. But I finished it at the beginning of Nov.
    • I spent a total of 6 hours 36 minutes drafting 7,324 words (~18 wpm)!
  • 1 craft completed (really dumb bag shaped like a chicken im calling my desk chicken)
    • I spent 3 hours 33 minutes on crochet
    • I spent 2h 28 min on tatting which was a waste because I messed up and tore it up.
  • I made 3 baked goods!


fourohfourrealitynotfound: Open blank journal with a pencil balanced on top (Default)
2024-10-06 01:39 am

2024 Goals - September Check-In

September went by so fast that it actually surprised me. My health's been not great, so I haven't been able to do as much as I wanted.

Goal Updates
I'm not sure some of my goals will be made this year, because of my health issues getting in the way. But I'm gonna do the best I can to make the most of each day while trying to strike a balance that lets me rest. I guess we'll see where that gets me.


September Stats
  • 12 books read (I have been stuck in best resting A LOT, plus 4 of them were poetry collections or comic collections that were shorter/faster)
  • 1 movie, and 1 TV show watched (and that last season of Umbrella Academy REALLY sucked, didn't it?)
  • [tumblr.com profile] flashfictionfridayofficial  prompts filled (you can read them on [tumblr.com profile] fourohfourrealitynotfound )
    • I spent a total of 10 hours 12 minutes drafting 12,186 words (~20 wpm)!
    • I think this is the second most words I've written in a month since January, when I was on my last Christmas vacation and able to spend much more time and energy on writing. Much of this has been a "summer fling" style fic that has captured my writing and taken me straight through to fall. When will it be done? Who knows.
  • 0 crafts completed
    • I spent 1 hours 43 minutes on crochet
  • I made 4 baked goods! (including a couple of fantastic chocolate cakes)
fourohfourrealitynotfound: Open blank journal with a pencil balanced on top (Default)
2024-09-03 10:07 pm

2024 Goals - August Check-In

August has been a whirlwind, but I've gotten a surprising amount done. It's crazy to think summer is almost over in the blink of an eye.

Goal Updates
I finished tatting my necklace! I'll have to post a collection of tatting photos soon because I've been doing a lot of it.
I've got a local library now so I've been reading some physical books to catch up on my book goal for the year.

August Stats
  • 7 books read
  • 1 movie, 1 musical, and 1 TV show watched
  • [tumblr.com profile] flashfictionfridayofficial prompts filled (you can read them on [tumblr.com profile] fourohfourrealitynotfound ), 1 fic drafted and posted!
    • I spent a total of 8 hours 24 minutes drafting 8,603 words (17 wpm)!
  • 3 crafts completed (the tatted necklace and 2 tatted bookmarks)
    • I spent 2 hours 14 minutes on crochet
    • I spent 16 hours 17 minutes minutes on tatting (this has been my work meeting craft, as I'm sure you can tell)
  • I made 3 baked goods! (oreo cheesecake (my first ever cheesecake!), brown sugar cookies (modified recipe, very good!), and bagels (I'm 0 for 2 on not cutting myself while slicing them. There is now a bagel slicer in my amazon cart)
fourohfourrealitynotfound: Open blank journal with a pencil balanced on top (Default)
2024-08-04 01:14 am

2024 Goals - July Check-in

I've been a bit exhausted from organizing after my move and starting my new job, but I'm slowly falling into a routine and finding consistent time for my hobbies! Here's a look at July.

Goal Updates
I've picked back up working on my tatted necklace project (waiting for deployments at work is PRIME time for a few stitches of tatting, as it turns out). I've also gotten my sourdough starter revived with some bagels (ouch, still not good at slicing them) and am looking to explore more with it soon.

July Stats
  • 5 books read
  • 2 movies and 1 TV show watched
  • 2 [tumblr.com profile] flashfictionfridayofficial  prompts filled (you can read them on [tumblr.com profile] fourohfourrealitynotfound  ), 1 fic drafted, and 3 posted!
    • I spent a total of 4 hours 48 minutes drafting 5,483 words (19 wpm)!
  • 1 craft completed (coasters to protect my new coffee table)
    • I spent 3 hours 30 minutes on crochet
    • I spent 1 hours 55 minutes minutes on tatting
  • I made 2 baked goods! (red velvet cake, whoopie pie ice cream sandwiches)


fourohfourrealitynotfound: Open blank journal with a pencil balanced on top (Default)
2024-07-11 02:25 pm

2024 Goals - June Check-in

Well! Moving has kind of taken over everything for the past couple weeks, but luckily I had a lot of time on my hands at the beginning of June to work towards my 2024 goals.

Goal Updates
I finished posting the "damn, baby" series to AO3!
I did a lot of catch-up work on my goal to read 75 book before the end of the year! I've been rereading the Fablehaven series and having fun with that. I also got a library card for my new city, so there's even more books in my future!

June Stats
  • 9 books read
  • 1 movie (Footloose!) and 1 TVshow (How to Get Away with Murder) watched
  • [tumblr.com profile] flashfictionfridayofficial prompts filled (you can read them on [tumblr.com profile] fourohfourrealitynotfound ), 2 fics drafted
    • I spent a total of 7 hours 45 minutes drafting 10,991 words (23 wpm)!
  • 1 craft completed (coin purse)
    • I spent 4 hours 26 minutes on crochet
    • I spent 30 minutes on tatting
    • I spent 8 hours 44 minutes on Tunisian crochet
  • I made 3 baked goods! (Brown butter chocolate chip cookies, chocolate cake, brownies with ganache)


Hopefully things will calm down and I'll have some time for writing this month. I'm trying to finish up some fics for a bingo and another fic for a gift exchange. I'm also looking forward to reviving my sourdough starter and exploring more baked goods!
fourohfourrealitynotfound: Open blank journal with a pencil balanced on top (Default)
2024-06-04 01:33 am

2024 Goals - May Check-in

I graduated college! This means I've had a lot more time on my hands, and my hobbies have picked up. Let's see how the stats stack up for May.

 

Goal Updates

I finished exploring the city I was living in, just before I moved away!

I'm halfway through posting the "damn, baby" series over on AO3. Go check it out if you're into Klance!

I finished my temperature blanket! It's posted over here.

Otherwise I've been a little bit consumed with prepping to move at the end of June.


May Stats

  • 6 books read
  • 4 TV series finished, including my watchthrough of Supernatural, catching up on Umbrella Academy (just in time for a new season??) and Dead Boy Detectives (it's cool! check it out!)
  • More editing than writing, but I've gotten started on some fics for my first ever bingo, the [community profile] whatif_au  anniversary bingo
    • I spent a total of 3 hours 16 minutes writing 4,008 words (20 wpm)!!!
  •  4 crafst completed (2 blankets, a couple small gifts for a friend, and a scarf)
    • I spent 29 hours 57 minutes on crochet (I might have quite a bit of TV time on my hands)
  • I made1 baked good (from-scratch brownies)!
fourohfourrealitynotfound: Open blank journal with a pencil balanced on top (Default)
2024-05-17 11:49 pm

Some things I've made recently

Quick projects update! (Doing this as image tumbnails as an experiment... click to see them better!)

First, my first two ever blankets:

The first is a temperature blanket that spans my senior year of college.
A crochet hexagon temperature blanket.

The second is a simple throw blanket I made from two Caron Cloud Cakes I bought second-hand.
A crochet blue throw blanket

You can see some close up images of these on my crafting Tumblr.

Then, some pieces I made in my glass class:

Pill bottles with aran yarn tatting around the middle cast in teal glass
Cast glass pill bottles

My left hand cast in class, in the tatting position, holding a in-progress tatting piece
A glass hand holding an in-progress tatting project

A hand-blown tiny blue mug
A tiny hand-blown glass mug

A hand-blown purple and blue mug
Hand-blown glass mug

fourohfourrealitynotfound: Open blank journal with a pencil balanced on top (Default)
2024-05-03 12:44 am

2024 Goals - April Check-in

April's been rough with the end of college putting too much on my plate. Let's see how much of my 2024 goals I've managed to complete this month!

Goal Updates

I've nearly completed the exploration of the city I've been living in! I did a lot of fun stuff: went to a cool museum, tried Vietnamese coffee for the first time, and bought a cool painting from a local artist. There's still one or two more things I'd like to go visit before I leave; let's see if I get to it in my last week here.

"Damn, baby"'s editing-- and really all of my writing-- has been put on hold for my classes. I'm hoping to get some editing and writing done this week though, now that I'm just packing and hanging out with friends. (Re: Packing: my sourdough starter has been dehydrated in preparation for the move).

I did a bit of practice tatting for a mixed media piece in my glass course. I might have to post photos of what I made here at some point-- the last three pieces all turned out super cool.

My temperature blanket has just over a week left!

I'm finishing up binding some practice journals, three of which are going to friends.


April Stats

  • 4 books read
  • 2 movies (the Mamma Mia movies!) and 2 seasons of Supernatural watched (one left for my "SPN before I graduate challenge". Have I mentioned that? You can read my live reaction posts on tumblr, tag linked)
  • 1 [tumblr.com profile] flashfictionfridayofficial prompt filled (you can read it on [tumblr.com profile] fourohfourrealitynotfound ) 
    • I spent a total of 40 minutes writing 733 words (18 wpm)!!!
    • This doesn't count the time I spent writing my ramblings that I posted on here! Check those out!
  •  1 craft completed (a cat cactus for a friend's birthday)
    • I spent 10 hours 13 minutes on crochet
    • I spent 49 minutes on tatting
  • I made 5 (different) baked goods (sourdough pancakes are not counted twice)!



fourohfourrealitynotfound: Open blank journal with a pencil balanced on top (Default)
2024-04-23 12:34 am
Entry tags:

ramblings: on being forgotten

I'm at the end of my time in university, and I've spent a good portion of this final semester considering the story of Icarus. Specifically, Landscape with the Fall of Icarus, the painting by Bruegel and the poem by William Carlos Williams.

For a poetry class this semester, I wrote an "I am" poem (that I might edit and post up here at some point) that focused on me being an Icarian character. I am like Icarus, in the sense that I am always striving for more, I'm determined, and sometimes I "fly too close to the sun" in that I take on too many things and end up regretting it. For me, the Icarus myth is kind of a warning about work-life balance.

But I'm a hopeful soul, and I can't help but question the myth's assertion that Icarus's story was a tragedy.

Didn't he get to be free, even if only for a moment? Wouldn't the cool ocean feel nice on his sun-warmed skin?

Brughel and Williams painted a picture of an Icarus who died in obscurity. That's something I crave for myself at this point in my life. Not in like, the sense of not achieving fame, but in the sense that I want my life to be private from certain people who were once in it.

I grew up being "the smart kid," raised on the expectation that "we'll all work for you someday" or, once I dipped my toes into tech, that I'd invent the next great Google or Paypal or Facebook. Never mind the fact that I'm not interested in entrepreneurship-- it was expected for me to do great things. I can never have a "look at me now" moment after being successful, because it would really just be a "told you so" for people whose mouths I don't want around my name any longer. I don't want them to be able to brag that "oh my kid does ABC" or say that "I went to school with someone who works for XYZ" when they don't really know me anymore. They don't get to claim my successes for their clout or bragging rights.

There's a song called "7 Years" by Lukas Graham, and it has this line that I really love: "only those I really love will ever really know me." Only the people that I choose to let into my life can know who I am, what I am doing, and take pride in my successes.

I've also recently been reading "The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue" which has a great quote about being forgotten being a kind of freedom. I think I agree.

Maybe the Icarus myth is a still tragedy, because he does still drown. But death in stories isn't always death; often, it means becoming something new. As I find myself pulled towards the coast in the next chapter of my life, I wonder what I will become. And I take solace in knowing that some certain people will never have the satisfaction of knowing.

fourohfourrealitynotfound: Open blank journal with a pencil balanced on top (Default)
2024-04-14 03:46 pm
Entry tags:

ramblings: on handling perfectionism

A couple years back, I was browsing the Halloween seasonal section at Walmart when I stumbled upon a few palettes of face glitter. I thought it was pretty. I bought it on impulse, and a liquid eyeliner, too.

I'm not really one for makeup. Sure, I followed all the big ones during the youtuber makeup vlogger phase, but I hadn't actually tried to put makeup on my face since I was a kid in theater trying to keep my pale face from getting washed out in the stage lights. So I didn't exactly know how to use what I had bought. But I knew I wanted to try.

I started practicing with "shower makeup"-- the makeup you do right before a shower just to try out something new, since you'll wash it right off when you're done. I was... not good at it. This was after I had developed my disability, so just standing for that long and getting close enough to the mirror to see without my glasses was a challenge. Then you add in liquid eyeliner when I already can't draw a straight line and I was not really set up for success.

But I kept trying, and eventually I got to a place where I was good enough that I could say "fuck it." Like, it wasn't awful, but it was definitely not perfect or "good" (my eyeliner was sisters not twins and the glitter was already a bold choice). It was enough that I was having fun with it and felt confident enough to tell off a stranger if they tried to give me beauty tips.

But, to my surprise, people loved it! I would go out with what I considered sub-par (to even my low standards) eyeliner and bright red glitter and people would compliment it. Not just friends, either, but acquaintances in my classes and strangers who were taking my order or chatting with me in passing.

Lesson learned: do things shitty. Sometimes, peoples' opinions will surprise you. What if I had let my perfectionism hold me back? I wouldn't have gotten to wear fun makeup, and I wouldn't have had a brighter day from those compliments.

Writing is the exact same way. So are a lot of other creative pursuits. You're not going to have fun if you don't do it, and doing it means accepting the flaws sometimes (all the time). I didn't have fun with my writing for a long time because I was hung up on my own standards (and the standards of others that had wormed their way into my mind).

On the day I started typing up this rambling, a friend of mine referred to me as "dangerously detail oriented" (which, frankly, should be a skill on my resume). While this can be a good thing-- and he meant it in a good way-- I think that the "danger" is sometimes more directed at myself. It's far too easy to get hung up on small details and let them lead me astray from my goals or prevent me from enjoying what I have accomplished.

I've written previously in a writing advice post on Anne Lamott's quote about silencing the "mice"-- the critical voices of others inside your head. Here's my list of other strategies for handling my perfectionism:
  • The "30 miles per hour" rule. This is one I learned from my mother, who does quilting. The rule is as follows: if you couldn't see what's wrong when driving past the work at 30 miles per hour, it's not an issue. I think that sometimes when we're making things, we get caught up in the details and how it "should" be. This rule helps you take a step back and analyze if this is just an issue for your or something that others would actually notice.
  • Focus on the good parts. Finding the things you like can help the project seem more salvageable, especially for projects that are editable. This isn't writing that should be scrapped, it's just a diamond in the rough.
  • "It's a feature; not a bug." This is a mantra from the programming community that I have decided to apply with reckless abandon. Seriously, though: Sometimes you can take a step back from a flaw and reframe it as a style choice. This stamp isn't poorly transferred, it's a rustic aesthetic. This narrative isn't repetitive, it's cyclical. Try to reframe it before you throw it out.
  • The imperfections are a sign that you're a living, breathing human instead of a machine. Your work is allowed to be flawed, because you're human.
  • There's a superstition in fiber arts communities (I'm unclear on the origin, I've heard several versions) that you're supposed to put an imperfection in your work. The reasons vary, from faeries "getting" you to losing a piece of your soul in a perfect work to the hubris of imitating God. One version is the story of Arachne, who was punished by Athena for her weaving being too perfect. No matter the origin, the general consensus seems to be that it's good to have an imperfection in your work.
  • If you hate it now, you can always redo it later. That's why editing exists for writing-- a first draft is always going to be less than perfect, because you have to have somewhere to go with it. And for the things you can't edit, take up the iterative model: do it again with fixes.
  • You will get better at it with time. So even if this one isn't perfect, you're learning skills that will make the next thing better.
  • I was watching a glass flameworking demo recently, and the woman presenting was talking about how she knows how much glass to add to a piece for something. She explained that she estimates based on her experience, and that she's spent a long time doing what she does and improving at it. But she also said that it's about "knowing when to stop." You can't keep working on it forever, so you have to know when a piece is acceptable. This ties back to the 30 mph rule, since it's about recognizing that other people will be just as happy if you stop earlier than your higher standards would want you to.
  • Life's too short to not do it because it won't be perfect, so do it shitty. You just might have fun and make something that you can be a little bit proud of.

fourohfourrealitynotfound: Open blank journal with a pencil balanced on top (Default)
2024-04-02 12:59 am

2024 Goals - March Check-in

I thought I'd have more time in March, but it flew by so fast! The end of school has gotten rough. I've got a couple big projects to get done in April, but I'm hoping I can squeeze in some time for my 2024 goals

I'm also hoping to post a bit more on Dreamwidth soon. I've got a couple ramblings I want to type up for here, so maybe those will get done in April or May.


Goal Updates

I've made a good amount of progress at exploring the city I'm currently living with. There's just four or five more small trips out I want to accomplish. One of these is to go back to a shop that has a painting I've been thinking about since I first saw it (very pensive bird. it was great)

I've finished drafting the "damn, baby" series and am putting it down for a few weeks before I go to edit it. I think it will be ready to post before I move in July.

My temperature blanket has 6 weeks left-- which means six weeks until I graduate! o_0

I'm starting a few practice journal bindings to give to friends, and I'm hoping to post them on here.


March Stats

  • 7 books read
  • 6 movies, 1 musical, 1 show, and 1 season of Supernatural watched
  • [tumblr.com profile] flashfictionfridayofficial prompts filled (you can read them on [tumblr.com profile] fourohfourrealitynotfound ) and 2 fics drafted
    • I spent a total of 8 hours 39 minute spent writing 9,506 words (18 wpm)!!!
  •  1 craft completed - 3 fridge magnet scrappy canvases! (I need to take photos of what I mean at some point)
    • I spent 12 hours 28 minutes on crochet
    • I spent 14 minutes on tatting
  • I made 7 baked goods! (Including some sourdough bagels that I nearly sliced off a finger for! and some divine brown butter chocolate chip cookies)